More Heard, Less Hurt

by Hannah McAnally

All humans crave love. At the root of every action is the desire to belong, to be known, and to be loved. In a healthy

marriage, love is one spouse serving the other and striving to be the hand of God to their spouse. God created mar-

riage “so that man would not live alone.”1 Marriage is the beautiful and trying dance of two humans seeking the Lord

together and honoring Him by honoring the other. God designed marriage for the purpose of giving oneself to an-

other in heart, mind, and body, receiving them in the same, and being intimately known in those realms. One aspect

of power in marriage results from knowing the depths of light and dark in the other person. The signs of a healthy,

God-honoring union are a shared love for the Lord and the use of power to serve your spouse.

Love and power disrupted

But God is perfect and humans are not. Marriage is meant to be the reflection of God’s union with the church, as

Paul writes in Ephesians, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for

her.”2 But even the best human marriages are dim shadows of the perfect marriage between God and His bride. And

living in community, people are hurt deepest by those closest to them. Those people that you share your life, time,

mind, and body with are the ones whose betrayal, anger, distance, and abandonment can shatter your reality. When

one spouse betrays the love and uses their power to hurt instead of help, the marriage breaks.

God’s redemption

Yet God did not leave us to mend our wounds alone, without help, hope, or comfort. His plan for your restoration

may not be what you desire or expect. He does not always redeem a marriage or restore a relationship. Sometimes,

healing comes from saying goodbye. Sometimes, comfort is found when you break so deeply, cry so hard, and know

that you have no strength left of your own. That is where Jesus finds you and brings love that will stay and not betray,

and a power to keep going and love deeper that could never come from another person.

The cross

The greatest display of love and power in the history of the world was on a rough, wooden cross. It was the action of the

all powerful, deepest loving Son of God coming to earth and dying. Using his infinite power to display his infinite love

by saving his people. Jesus’ love moved him to give up his most precious possession—his union with the Father—and use

his almighty power to bring his children home.

Boundaries

If the cross is the all-encompassing spiritual mending of the world, then personal boundaries are one way it is evident

in our lives. There is an idea, especially in Christian circles, that boundaries are not Christ-like, and Christians need

to be giving their time, resources, and hearts to the service of others without hesitation or reservation. Serving is

a wonderful way to embody Christ, but we are only limited human beings. Boundaries protect against over-giving

and being depleted of time and resources, and provide safety for the heart. Having boundaries, whether in thought

or deed, depends on the level of responsibility and trust that the other person has proven. Over sharing too soon

can lead to a false sense of closeness and commitment, so having emotional boundaries can aid in not being hurt as

deeply if the other person walks away.

In a recent interview with Focus on the Family Ministries, “Setting Boundaries in Your Most Difficult Relationships,”

Lysa TerKeurst talks about her book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. TerKeurst is a Christian author and the President

of Proverbs 31 Ministries. She was married for 30 years before divorcing her husband due to infidelity and addiction.

When asked about the Scripture of Jesus laying down his life for his friends, Terkeurst responded, “Jesus laid down

his life for a holy purpose, but not to enable bad behavior to continue.”3 Sacrifice and the giving of yourself is noble,

until it allows someone else to do harm.

The topic of boundaries may evoke dread if they have not helped in the past or have felt like manipulation and pun-

ishment. Scripture, such as Proverbs 31:14, can even help feed hesitation and guilt.4 Really though, boundaries grant

freedom, enable greater love, and empower yourself. They allow you to see where the line is, what not to cross, and

how much to give. It shines the light of freedom on the relationship, instead of allowing you to stumble blindly in the

darkness. Biblical confidence for boundaries can be seen in God’s first conversation with Adam about not eating from

the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. God’s motivation is not to restrict but to protect and originates from

His love for Adam and Eve. Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, but ultimately are the way to fight for deeper

love, freedom, and ease in the relationship. Setting limits empower you to care for your own needs and recognize how

much you can meet the needs of another. It enables freedom to be more heard, less hurt, and less disappointed. In

talking about her own story and the journey to being honest with herself, TerKeurst realized this profound and raw

truth: “We will always want from other people what we fear we will never get from God.”5 We all have expectations

of others that will be disappointed, so setting boundaries with others aids in clarifying those expectations.

But what is the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy boundary? The answer: access and responsibility.

TerKeurst illustrates this using the tabernacle, which possessed different degrees of access depending on the person.

The greater the access, the greater the responsibility, and the greater the consequences should the boundary be vi-

olated. Motivated by love, boundaries are placed on yourself, not on the other person. Without boundaries, there

is chaos, which wears down oneself and the ability to love like Christ. TerKeurst emphasizes, “Boundaries are not

to shove others away but to help hold us together and open up communication.”6 Boundaries are a gift and a tool to

help us live lives of love, freedom, and safety. The degree of the boundary may change, but the need for it never will.